1 00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:04,102 I want to know what's going on with the huge woman, 2 00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:05,604 and I want to know what the deal is 3 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:06,939 - with the red witch lady. - Yes. 4 00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:08,140 Yes. Yes. 5 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:09,442 I would too. 6 00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:10,976 You know what I'm saying? 7 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,344 Straight out. 8 00:00:12,378 --> 00:00:13,879 No, but I mean, like, have you? 9 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,352 Have you-- have you ever slept with a black guy? 10 00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:18,917 No, but I really want to. 11 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,585 Me too! 12 00:00:20,619 --> 00:00:22,854 Apparently, it is, like, 13 00:00:22,888 --> 00:00:25,958 a whole other thing than sleeping with white men. 14 00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,092 Oh, no, no. 15 00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:28,260 I heard they're supposed to be, like, 16 00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:30,028 way better at it or something. 17 00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,831 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that too. 18 00:00:32,865 --> 00:00:34,333 I wonder if it's 'cause they have, 19 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,634 like-- like, better rhythm, you know? 20 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,603 Right, 'cause they're really good dancers. 21 00:00:38,637 --> 00:00:43,511 I mean, apparently, they have, like, bigger-- 22 00:00:43,582 --> 00:00:45,950 Oh, way bigger penises, right? 23 00:00:45,984 --> 00:00:47,084 Yeah. 24 00:00:47,119 --> 00:00:49,081 I guess that's because of Africa? 25 00:00:49,129 --> 00:00:51,397 Yeah, like, I feel like they're just-- 26 00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,166 they're, like, really with you in the moment. 27 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,267 Hmm. 28 00:00:54,301 --> 00:00:55,468 Like, if they're gonna be with you, 29 00:00:55,502 --> 00:00:56,702 they're in the here and now. 30 00:00:56,736 --> 00:00:58,971 Exactly. Exactly. 31 00:00:59,005 --> 00:01:02,175 Because they know that they basically have no future. 32 00:01:02,209 --> 00:01:03,376 I know. 33 00:01:03,410 --> 00:01:04,544 - Think about it. - It's so sad. 34 00:01:04,578 --> 00:01:07,246 Think about it! 35 00:01:07,281 --> 00:01:09,381 I do feel like they treat their women with just, like, 36 00:01:09,415 --> 00:01:12,084 a little bit more compassion, though. 37 00:01:12,118 --> 00:01:13,552 Yeah, like, respect and stuff. 38 00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:17,322 Oh, because their dads were never around! 39 00:01:17,356 --> 00:01:21,393 Oh, right, and they also have a lot of time on their hands 40 00:01:21,427 --> 00:01:24,063 'cause even if they have kids, they never go visit them. 41 00:01:24,097 --> 00:01:26,398 Oh, please. Totally. Baby daddy? 42 00:01:26,432 --> 00:01:27,765 - That's a thing. - Oh. 43 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,702 That's in the dictionary now because of black people. 44 00:01:30,736 --> 00:01:33,472 See? Ser-i-ou-sly. 45 00:01:33,506 --> 00:01:38,143 Apparently, black guys just know how to please white women. 46 00:01:38,177 --> 00:01:40,245 Right? Just, like, way more than white men. 47 00:01:40,279 --> 00:01:43,347 Oh, well, it's probably in their blood 48 00:01:43,381 --> 00:01:45,116 'cause they're used to pleasing their white masters. 49 00:01:45,150 --> 00:01:46,851 Whaaat? 50 00:01:46,885 --> 00:01:48,119 - Okay. Okay. - Yeah! 51 00:01:48,153 --> 00:01:49,286 - Law of the jungle, right? - Totally. 52 00:01:49,321 --> 00:01:51,322 I am so desperate to find out for myself. 53 00:01:51,356 --> 00:01:53,524 Me too. 54 00:01:53,558 --> 00:01:55,793 - Right? 55 00:01:55,828 --> 00:01:59,062 - Okay, um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom... 56 00:01:59,097 --> 00:02:00,531 Okay. 57 00:02:00,565 --> 00:02:01,898 And I swear to you, 58 00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:04,135 if there is a black guy back there, I'm gonna blow him. 59 00:02:04,169 --> 00:02:06,703 Get it! 60 00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:15,378 So, unrelated, I now have to go to the bathroom, 61 00:02:15,412 --> 00:02:18,181 uh, because I've been drinking coffee all day. 62 00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:21,284 So I will be back in a little while. 63 00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:22,619 Well, you know what? Let-- Let me go first. 64 00:02:22,654 --> 00:02:27,290 I'll be about 30 seconds. 65 00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:33,663 Ooh, ow. I hit my penis there. 66 00:02:33,697 --> 00:02:35,465 I'm sorry. I don't have any money, sir. 67 00:02:35,499 --> 00:02:37,667 Okay. 68 00:03:03,602 --> 00:03:05,102 Hey! 69 00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:11,208 Thank you so much. I am Keegan-Michael Key. 70 00:03:11,242 --> 00:03:13,010 - I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 71 00:03:13,044 --> 00:03:14,078 Yes. 72 00:03:14,112 --> 00:03:15,480 Thank you for coming out tonight. 73 00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:16,747 Thank you. 74 00:03:16,782 --> 00:03:19,016 So this is a little-known fact. 75 00:03:19,050 --> 00:03:21,573 Keegan's wife is a dialect coach. 76 00:03:21,621 --> 00:03:23,122 Yes, it's a source of ambivalence for me 77 00:03:23,157 --> 00:03:24,691 because I want her to have her job 78 00:03:24,725 --> 00:03:25,892 and I want her to thrive, 79 00:03:25,926 --> 00:03:27,126 but there's just a bunch of British people 80 00:03:27,161 --> 00:03:28,427 just coming through my house, 81 00:03:28,461 --> 00:03:30,329 learning American accents and taking all our jobs. 82 00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:32,398 So I'm just standing in the living room, 83 00:03:32,432 --> 00:03:33,566 and these dudes are walking about like, "Cheerio." 84 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,601 "Yeah, [bleep] you." 85 00:03:35,635 --> 00:03:37,803 - Tea bag. - Right. 86 00:03:37,837 --> 00:03:39,270 But all right, I want to-- I'm gonna throw you 87 00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,506 through a little bit of a wheel of accents. 88 00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:42,874 - Just give you a little test. - The wheel of accents. 89 00:03:42,909 --> 00:03:45,744 Italian! 90 00:03:45,778 --> 00:03:46,878 Oh, Italian. 91 00:03:46,913 --> 00:03:48,480 It's the-- is the one for me to do. 92 00:03:48,514 --> 00:03:49,681 Yeah. German! 93 00:03:49,716 --> 00:03:53,418 The German is very exact. 94 00:03:53,452 --> 00:03:55,253 - Cockney. - Cockney's, like, down here, 95 00:03:55,287 --> 00:03:56,621 and it's with the back of your "froat." 96 00:03:56,655 --> 00:03:57,855 Yeah. You know what I mean? 97 00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,824 You guys must have some crazy role-play sex. 98 00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:02,427 We do. Yeah. 99 00:04:02,461 --> 00:04:03,928 Just give me an Australian. 100 00:04:03,962 --> 00:04:05,263 All right, I can do it. 101 00:04:05,297 --> 00:04:06,531 Yes, yes. 102 00:04:06,565 --> 00:04:08,133 I can go Jamaican as well. 103 00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,667 Oh, that's even better! That's even better! 104 00:04:09,701 --> 00:04:11,802 I can be a Jamaican. Okay. 105 00:04:13,038 --> 00:04:14,538 Where do you want me from? Oh, there it is. 106 00:04:14,572 --> 00:04:16,007 Where do you want me to be from? 107 00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:17,875 - Oh, anywhere but you. - Okay. 108 00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:20,645 Just anywhere-- 109 00:04:20,679 --> 00:04:23,247 Can-- Can you do two black guys at a time? 110 00:04:23,281 --> 00:04:24,649 Can you just give me two? 111 00:04:28,119 --> 00:04:30,354 You sold me out, son. 112 00:04:30,388 --> 00:04:33,257 Now you gonna end up with a bullet in your head for it. 113 00:04:33,291 --> 00:04:36,560 You can't play me, mother[bleep]. 114 00:04:36,594 --> 00:04:40,030 I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s, 115 00:04:40,064 --> 00:04:42,499 Mother[bleep]. 116 00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:45,234 Cut. 117 00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:47,671 All right, everybody, let's get reset. 118 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,873 We're going again. 119 00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:51,107 Nigel, that's great. 120 00:04:51,142 --> 00:04:52,608 Oh, grea-- smashing. 121 00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,010 Thank you so much. Yeah. 122 00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:56,746 Top-- Well, it's been an absolute honor and-- 123 00:04:56,781 --> 00:04:58,782 and what a great opportunity to be here 124 00:04:58,816 --> 00:05:00,849 and be able to play an American tough. 125 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,117 Well, I'm just so glad 126 00:05:02,152 --> 00:05:03,519 that we got you out of that BBC commitment 127 00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:04,554 so you could play with us, so. 128 00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:06,489 Cheers, mate. Cheers, cheers. 129 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:07,756 Antoine, listen. 130 00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:09,024 I'm just not buying that you're someone 131 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,495 that was born and raised on the streets of Brooklyn. 132 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:15,831 That's weird, 'cause, uh, I actually was born and raised 133 00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,199 on the streets of Brooklyn. 134 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,466 Oh. 135 00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:19,968 Oh. 136 00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:21,469 I was in a gang and everything. 137 00:05:21,504 --> 00:05:24,106 Most of this stuff actually happened to me. 138 00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:26,208 Wow. Okay. Well, that's-- that's-- 139 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,643 that's great for us, 'cause I want you to use it. 140 00:05:28,678 --> 00:05:29,845 Okay? 141 00:05:29,879 --> 00:05:31,213 It's a good first take. Let's just, uh-- 142 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,547 - Mm-hmm. - Let's get going it. 143 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,715 Let's get-- Let's get going. 144 00:05:33,749 --> 00:05:35,350 Thank you, Jim. 145 00:05:35,384 --> 00:05:40,088 Scene five, take two. 146 00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:43,891 - And action. - You sold me out, son. 147 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:46,794 Now you gonna end up with a bullet in your head for it. 148 00:05:46,829 --> 00:05:51,665 You can't play me, mother[bleep]. 149 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:55,203 I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s, 150 00:05:55,237 --> 00:05:57,471 Mother[bleep]. 151 00:06:00,308 --> 00:06:01,976 Cut. Cut. 152 00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:03,878 Okay. 153 00:06:03,912 --> 00:06:05,279 Uh, Nigel. That was great. 154 00:06:05,313 --> 00:06:06,580 - Oh. - Brilliant. 155 00:06:06,615 --> 00:06:09,550 Just, the way you move, especially when you talk. 156 00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:11,719 I just really see this character coming to life before my eyes. 157 00:06:11,753 --> 00:06:12,986 - Cheers, mate. - It's fabulous. 158 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,555 - Cheers. - It's fabulous. 159 00:06:14,589 --> 00:06:16,690 Antoine, your performance, um, 160 00:06:16,725 --> 00:06:19,727 It's just not quite there yet, okay? 161 00:06:19,761 --> 00:06:21,962 I-I really need to see you 162 00:06:21,996 --> 00:06:24,631 make more of a transformation, okay? 163 00:06:24,665 --> 00:06:27,834 Like-- like Nigel, here. 164 00:06:27,869 --> 00:06:30,436 - That dude's British, so. - Yeah. 165 00:06:30,471 --> 00:06:32,773 Antoine, if I might jump in with a bit of advice? 166 00:06:32,807 --> 00:06:34,741 - I don't think I need that. - No, no, no. 167 00:06:34,776 --> 00:06:35,976 Look. Hear him out. 168 00:06:36,010 --> 00:06:38,544 Maybe you might want to try 169 00:06:38,579 --> 00:06:40,246 thinking of something in the material 170 00:06:40,281 --> 00:06:41,514 that's similar to something 171 00:06:41,548 --> 00:06:42,815 that's happened in your real life. 172 00:06:42,849 --> 00:06:45,418 - Hmm. - For me, for instance, 173 00:06:45,452 --> 00:06:47,687 I like to think of when me mum wanted me 174 00:06:47,721 --> 00:06:50,423 to attend prep school in Leeds to become a barrister, 175 00:06:50,457 --> 00:06:52,425 but I wanted to study the theater at Oxford. 176 00:06:52,459 --> 00:06:53,826 Thank God. 177 00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:55,360 And so that was a conundrum, really, for me. 178 00:06:56,696 --> 00:06:58,197 I'm gonna stop you right-- right there, 179 00:06:58,231 --> 00:07:01,500 'cause this is just confusing me, right? 180 00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:04,536 Like, I don't need that, 'cause I am from the streets. 181 00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:07,306 I was in a gang. 182 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:10,742 They told me to kill my cousin. 183 00:07:12,319 --> 00:07:15,146 That might be a bit spot-on, no? 184 00:07:15,181 --> 00:07:16,782 Yeah. That's a bit spot-on. 185 00:07:16,816 --> 00:07:20,619 Do you have any stories that involve your mum? 186 00:07:20,653 --> 00:07:22,287 What's a mum? 187 00:07:22,322 --> 00:07:23,988 Oh, dear. 188 00:07:24,023 --> 00:07:25,791 Scene five, take three. 189 00:07:25,825 --> 00:07:27,659 Okay. 190 00:07:27,694 --> 00:07:30,295 Antoine, remember. You're a gangster! 191 00:07:30,329 --> 00:07:34,232 Okay? Betrayal, the streets. 192 00:07:34,266 --> 00:07:36,100 Okay? Nigel, you're perfect. 193 00:07:36,135 --> 00:07:39,003 Antoine, transform, and action! 194 00:07:39,038 --> 00:07:41,739 You sold me out, son. 195 00:07:41,773 --> 00:07:45,676 Now you gonna get a bullet up in your head for it. 196 00:07:45,711 --> 00:07:49,647 You can't play me, mother[bleep]. 197 00:07:49,681 --> 00:07:53,083 I'm the mother[bleep] that plays mother[bleep]s, 198 00:07:53,117 --> 00:07:54,485 Mother[bleep]. 199 00:07:54,519 --> 00:07:56,821 He's boring to watch. 200 00:07:56,855 --> 00:07:58,589 Cut. 201 00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:02,726 Oh, that does not sound good. 202 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:03,994 Thank you. 203 00:08:04,028 --> 00:08:07,998 Antoine, I do not feel like you have found 204 00:08:08,032 --> 00:08:10,400 the emotional core of this character. 205 00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:12,035 Man, [bleep] this! 206 00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,704 Nobody is more real than me. Okay? 207 00:08:14,739 --> 00:08:17,474 I come from the streets, and nobody's gonna tell me 208 00:08:17,508 --> 00:08:19,175 what the streets is like-- nobody! 209 00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:22,311 You understand? 210 00:08:22,346 --> 00:08:24,681 That's a great speech. I just wish that I believed it. 211 00:08:24,715 --> 00:08:26,816 - You want to give it a shot? - Sure. I'll have a go. 212 00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:28,618 Man, [bleep] this. 213 00:08:28,652 --> 00:08:30,387 - I'm as real as it gets. - Yes. 214 00:08:30,421 --> 00:08:32,121 This [bleep] streets is for real. 215 00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:33,456 I'm up in there, man. 216 00:08:33,491 --> 00:08:35,358 - You are. - I'm [bleep] from the-- 217 00:08:35,392 --> 00:08:38,261 from the [bleep]-- from the earth from these streets. 218 00:08:38,295 --> 00:08:39,929 - from the eart-- - S-Something to that effect. 219 00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:41,397 That is-- No, but I am so with-- 220 00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:42,899 I am with you when you say that, 221 00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:45,001 even when you're saying the wrong words. 222 00:08:45,035 --> 00:08:47,770 I just wish you could do that! 223 00:08:47,804 --> 00:08:49,138 You know what? 224 00:08:49,172 --> 00:08:51,740 Goodness. 225 00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:56,845 Okay, that hurts, but I don't feel that it comes 226 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,782 from the right emotional place for the character. 227 00:08:59,816 --> 00:09:01,082 All right? Here. Give it a shot. 228 00:09:01,117 --> 00:09:03,351 Give me-- Watch. Watch. 229 00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:06,988 That's-- That's great. 230 00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:09,024 - I feel that in here... - Thank you. 231 00:09:09,058 --> 00:09:10,358 - And in here, in my heart. 232 00:09:10,393 --> 00:09:11,592 That's very gracious of you to say that. 233 00:09:11,627 --> 00:09:12,727 Try that again. 234 00:09:14,130 --> 00:09:16,097 I just-- I don't-- 235 00:09:16,132 --> 00:09:17,999 I don't believe you. 236 00:09:22,993 --> 00:09:25,102 You guys are familiar with vanity videos, right? 237 00:09:25,136 --> 00:09:27,337 People who, like, spend all of their money-- 238 00:09:27,371 --> 00:09:29,405 all of their money-- to make a video 239 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,574 in the hopes that someone-- I don't know who-- 240 00:09:31,609 --> 00:09:33,876 is gonna discover them on the Internet and go, 241 00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:35,811 - "This guy's got the goods!" - Yeah! 242 00:09:35,846 --> 00:09:37,614 Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. "I'm gonna make you famous!" 243 00:09:37,648 --> 00:09:39,115 "You got raw talent," and it's always-- 244 00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:41,317 it's always some kind of, like-- 245 00:09:41,352 --> 00:09:43,353 some convoluted plot that's like... 246 00:09:43,387 --> 00:09:45,121 - Yeah. - Part one of a ten-part series. 247 00:09:45,156 --> 00:09:46,556 It's never gonna get finished. 248 00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,858 And it's always, like-- 249 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,093 It always looks something like Game of Thrones. 250 00:09:51,128 --> 00:09:52,161 - Yes. - Always. 251 00:09:52,195 --> 00:09:53,462 It's got, like... 252 00:09:53,496 --> 00:09:54,997 - It's just always... - Wizards with orbs. 253 00:09:55,032 --> 00:09:56,132 Wizards in it and orbs. 254 00:09:56,166 --> 00:09:57,432 These homemade videos. 255 00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:59,969 It's always like this fantasy, glam, like... 256 00:10:00,003 --> 00:10:01,370 It's just-- like, they're weird. 257 00:10:01,404 --> 00:10:03,572 - Steampunk [bleep]. - Yeah. 258 00:10:03,606 --> 00:10:05,574 Do we have any-- any steampunks here today? 259 00:10:05,608 --> 00:10:07,509 - Yeah! - Yeah! 260 00:10:07,544 --> 00:10:10,679 You don't have your, uh, umbrella with you today, sir. 261 00:10:12,248 --> 00:10:13,782 There's not a lot of black steampunks out there. 262 00:10:13,816 --> 00:10:15,184 - No. - Not a lot of-- 263 00:10:15,218 --> 00:10:16,885 Ah, dudes talking about, "Hey, man." 264 00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,220 Yeah. 265 00:10:18,254 --> 00:10:19,721 "I'm just representing Jules Verne 266 00:10:19,755 --> 00:10:22,490 "in the mother[bleep]." 267 00:10:29,565 --> 00:10:32,366 ♪ There's a light 268 00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,235 ♪ And it shines within the darkness ♪ 269 00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:37,771 ♪ Of the sands of time, The sands of time ♪ 270 00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:40,440 ♪ There's a fight 271 00:10:40,475 --> 00:10:43,844 ♪ But the battle to be won is with the man inside ♪ 272 00:10:43,878 --> 00:10:46,013 ♪ The man inside 273 00:10:46,047 --> 00:10:49,883 ♪ No valley, no ocean 274 00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:53,753 ♪ Can stop my devotion 275 00:10:55,456 --> 00:10:59,392 ♪ Nothing will keep me from getting to you ♪ 276 00:10:59,427 --> 00:11:02,829 ♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪ 277 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,164 ♪ Never wondering 278 00:11:04,198 --> 00:11:07,400 ♪ How I touch the sky, Touch the sky ♪ 279 00:11:07,435 --> 00:11:10,169 ♪ Like a dream 280 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,838 ♪ You can never tell the lies ♪ 281 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,273 ♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪ 282 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,743 ♪ In the rhythm, I believe 283 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:21,347 ♪ Is the power of wings 284 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,650 ♪ There's a fire 285 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,553 ♪ And it burns the deepest fathoms of the Seven Seas ♪ 286 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,488 ♪ The Seven Seas 287 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:32,057 ♪ True desire 288 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:33,725 ♪ Let the music in your heart 289 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,262 ♪ Give way to the things that you believe ♪ 290 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,530 ♪ Anything you can achieve 291 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:40,766 ♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪ 292 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,967 ♪ Never wondering 293 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:45,537 ♪ How I kiss the clouds 294 00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:46,838 ♪ Like a dream 295 00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,941 ♪ You can never tell the lies ♪ 296 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,377 ♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪ 297 00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,646 ♪ In the rhythm, I believe ♪ 298 00:11:54,681 --> 00:12:00,652 ♪ Is the power of wings 299 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:04,055 ♪ Anything is achievable 300 00:12:04,089 --> 00:12:07,392 ♪ Don't let nobody tear you down ♪ 301 00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:08,660 ♪ Sexually 302 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,563 ♪ Just take flight, it's believable ♪ 303 00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:17,467 ♪ If you first learn to stand your ground ♪ 304 00:12:17,502 --> 00:12:20,805 ♪ Flying high, to the limit ♪ 305 00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:21,872 ♪ Never wondering 306 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:25,475 ♪ How I touch the sky 307 00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:28,412 ♪ Like a dream 308 00:12:28,446 --> 00:12:30,047 ♪ You can never tell the lies ♪ 309 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:35,118 ♪ From what's exactly as it seems ♪ 310 00:12:35,152 --> 00:12:38,788 ♪ Within the rhythms, I believe ♪ 311 00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:40,990 ♪ Is the power 312 00:12:41,025 --> 00:12:42,693 ♪ of wings 313 00:12:49,141 --> 00:12:51,009 Don't stop pulling. Never stop. 314 00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,277 Keep on pulling. 315 00:12:52,311 --> 00:12:53,611 Don't stop walking. 316 00:12:53,645 --> 00:12:56,447 Keep on walking. Don't stop walking. 317 00:12:56,481 --> 00:12:58,582 Oh, my God. Jahar, my friend. 318 00:12:58,617 --> 00:12:59,711 Yes, Rajim? 319 00:12:59,743 --> 00:13:03,739 We are a long way from h-h-h-home. 320 00:13:06,790 --> 00:13:08,925 Every American woman is more infidel 321 00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,627 - than the last, my friend. - You're telling me. 322 00:13:10,661 --> 00:13:12,062 You're telling me, my good friend, yes. 323 00:13:12,096 --> 00:13:14,131 Oh, there's a 9:00. 9:00. Here she comes. 324 00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:18,635 - Mm-blip. - Shabloim! 325 00:13:18,669 --> 00:13:19,802 Okay. 326 00:13:19,837 --> 00:13:21,604 Come on. Full-frontal face. 327 00:13:21,639 --> 00:13:24,607 - Only in America, baby. - Only, only, only. 328 00:13:24,642 --> 00:13:26,308 - Only in America, huh? - Come on, grab it. 329 00:13:26,343 --> 00:13:27,510 - What did you see? - I want to grab-- 330 00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,012 - What? - I'm grabbing it. 331 00:13:29,046 --> 00:13:31,848 This is yours, and then that is yours. 332 00:13:31,882 --> 00:13:33,416 What did you see? What did you see? 333 00:13:33,450 --> 00:13:34,784 - I'll tell you what I saw. - What? 334 00:13:34,818 --> 00:13:36,152 - I got to see her forearms. - You got? 335 00:13:36,186 --> 00:13:37,921 - A little bit of the thigh. - Yes. Oh, I saw this. 336 00:13:37,955 --> 00:13:39,621 And I definitely got some ankle knot. 337 00:13:39,656 --> 00:13:41,390 - You got ankle knot? - Oh, I got ankle knot. 338 00:13:41,425 --> 00:13:44,860 Oh, the w-w-whole baba ghanoush, huh? 339 00:13:44,894 --> 00:13:46,195 You're telling me. 340 00:13:46,229 --> 00:13:47,863 It's like we've got the X-ray visions. 341 00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:49,731 We are Superman. We are Superman, huh? 342 00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:50,966 Oh! Shh. Here we go. 343 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,734 Here we go. Here we go. 344 00:13:52,769 --> 00:13:54,336 Here we go, yeah. 345 00:13:56,439 --> 00:13:59,140 H-h-h-holy tabbouleh. 346 00:13:59,175 --> 00:14:00,976 Would you look at the leg elbows on that one? 347 00:14:01,010 --> 00:14:03,011 - Mm-hmm. - Whoo! 348 00:14:03,045 --> 00:14:04,879 I'll tell you what. Ho, ho, ho! 349 00:14:04,913 --> 00:14:06,247 Ho, ho, ho! 350 00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:10,585 What I wouldn't do for six seconds with her. 351 00:14:10,619 --> 00:14:12,587 Yes, you would! Yes, you would! 352 00:14:12,621 --> 00:14:13,855 What would you do? 353 00:14:13,889 --> 00:14:15,055 I'm going to show you right now. 354 00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:16,090 You're gonna show me? 355 00:14:16,124 --> 00:14:17,658 Spot me! You got to spot me. 356 00:14:17,693 --> 00:14:18,893 Yes, I am here. I am here. 357 00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:20,094 Let me tell you what I would do right now. 358 00:14:20,128 --> 00:14:22,463 I would pump her full of iron, you know, 359 00:14:22,498 --> 00:14:24,164 and then I would lift her to the ceiling. 360 00:14:24,199 --> 00:14:25,800 - I'm her. - Lift her to the ceiling. 361 00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:26,934 - I'm her. - Working the body. 362 00:14:26,969 --> 00:14:28,202 Working the body. Working the body. 363 00:14:28,236 --> 00:14:29,503 - Working the body. - Do it the head. 364 00:14:29,537 --> 00:14:31,205 - Give it to the head. - Get the head, get the head. 365 00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:32,572 - And you give it to the head. - Ho! Ho! Belly button. 366 00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:34,941 - Belly button. - We got belly button. 367 00:14:34,976 --> 00:14:37,044 - Dude, we got belly button. - Oh, my-- Oh, my God. 368 00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:47,053 That's belly button, my friend. 369 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,588 I couldn't believe we saw the belly button. 370 00:14:48,623 --> 00:14:50,089 I've never seen the belly button on a woman before. 371 00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:51,892 I thought it was a myth. 372 00:14:51,926 --> 00:14:54,160 Yes, it's like the butthole of the belly. 373 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,161 - Mm. - Mm. 374 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,096 Dig this. 375 00:14:57,131 --> 00:14:59,432 Oh, what I wouldn't do for a-- give me the-- 376 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:00,734 - Show me. - Give me the ball. 377 00:15:00,768 --> 00:15:02,068 - Show me, show me. - Give me the ball. 378 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,102 - Show me, show me. - I'm gonna show you right now. 379 00:15:03,137 --> 00:15:04,570 I'm gonna show it to you right now. 380 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,705 - What you do? I'm ready. - I get in here. 381 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:07,806 - I'm ready. - And then like this and go-- 382 00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:09,008 Ho! Come on, it feel good. 383 00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:10,176 I get over here and then I get in there. 384 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,310 - Oh, yeah! - Grab the hair. 385 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,578 I get into it. I get into it! 386 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,080 - Hold the hair. - Hold the hair. 387 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,981 Come on, switch. Switch positions. 388 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,350 - Let's do it. - I'm gonna grab your hands. 389 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:19,585 - Lock 'em on. - ♪ I will show you the world 390 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,153 ♪ Shining, shimmering, splendid ♪ 391 00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,688 ♪ Don't you dare close your eyes ♪ 392 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,189 Yes, princess, yes. 393 00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:27,359 Ah. Ooh. Infidels. 394 00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:30,128 Homosexual American devils. 395 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,797 Give them the whistle of disapproval. 396 00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,432 I will right now. 397 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,535 - That is my boy. - That should teach them. 398 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,103 That is my boy, huh? 399 00:15:41,699 --> 00:15:43,099 Pawn shops are an interesting place. 400 00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:44,967 Anybody who's ever-- here's ever been to a pawn shop? 401 00:15:47,043 --> 00:15:52,280 That is a motley crew of-- of items. 402 00:15:52,314 --> 00:15:53,648 Yes. 403 00:15:53,682 --> 00:15:55,449 I mean, what do I want when I walk into a pawn shop? 404 00:15:55,484 --> 00:15:58,653 I'll take that dartboard, that spittoon, 405 00:15:59,622 --> 00:16:01,522 and that African mask, if you know... 406 00:16:03,392 --> 00:16:04,992 The, like, saddest ones are also in, like, Vegas 407 00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:06,760 'cause you know that's where, like, people are like, 408 00:16:06,795 --> 00:16:09,129 "Hey, man, I'm gonna be right back for this. 409 00:16:09,164 --> 00:16:10,597 - Real-- I swear to God." - "Okay, yeah." 410 00:16:10,631 --> 00:16:11,999 "I'll be right back. How much can you give me for it?" 411 00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:13,333 - "$5 for this saxophone." - "All right. 412 00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:14,868 "I'll be back. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna-- 413 00:16:14,903 --> 00:16:17,071 "I'm gonna triple my money real quick, let's do it." 414 00:16:17,105 --> 00:16:18,338 "Just go over there and they'll give you $5." 415 00:16:18,372 --> 00:16:19,539 "All right." 416 00:16:19,574 --> 00:16:20,741 That's, like, the number for everything 417 00:16:20,775 --> 00:16:23,077 is, like-- "This is an actual samurai sword. 418 00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:24,511 - "You know." - $5. 419 00:16:24,545 --> 00:16:26,213 "$5." 420 00:16:26,247 --> 00:16:29,048 "And this is an unexploded atomic bomb." 421 00:16:29,083 --> 00:16:30,317 - Yeah. - "$5." 422 00:16:31,485 --> 00:16:33,152 "This is a briefcase with $1,000 in it." 423 00:16:33,187 --> 00:16:34,487 "$5." 424 00:16:34,522 --> 00:16:37,524 "$5? How is that possible?" 425 00:16:53,974 --> 00:16:55,875 Hey, man. How you doing? 426 00:16:55,909 --> 00:16:57,343 You guys got bow and arrows? 427 00:16:57,377 --> 00:17:00,779 Yeah. 428 00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:02,080 Oh, yeah. Oh, that's it. 429 00:17:02,115 --> 00:17:03,382 Yeah, there it is. There. 430 00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:04,550 That'll do it. That's gonna do it. 431 00:17:04,584 --> 00:17:05,784 Yup. Where are the arrows at? 432 00:17:07,654 --> 00:17:09,288 Yeah. You got-- you guys got M80s? 433 00:17:09,322 --> 00:17:11,123 We don't carry fireworks. 434 00:17:11,157 --> 00:17:12,424 Damn! You have, uh-- 435 00:17:12,459 --> 00:17:13,992 You have something else that's explosive 436 00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:16,094 that I could tape to the end of an arrow? 437 00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,631 - We have shotgun shells, but... - Uh-huh. Ooh. 438 00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:20,966 I feel I have to ask, 439 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,500 are you planning to attach those to arrows 440 00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:24,035 and use them as a weapon? 441 00:17:24,070 --> 00:17:25,137 What? No. What? 442 00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:26,371 Are you crazy? 443 00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:27,538 You think that would work though? 444 00:17:27,573 --> 00:17:29,707 What-- What-- What if I shot explosive arrows 445 00:17:29,742 --> 00:17:31,576 through a window to break 'em open? 446 00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:33,578 Sir, I feel like I have to ask you 447 00:17:33,612 --> 00:17:35,813 what you're planning to use these for. 448 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,081 Oh, no, I'm not planning to do anything. 449 00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:38,583 I'm just-- this is just Christmas shopping. 450 00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:39,684 I'm getting a-- You got zip lines? 451 00:17:39,718 --> 00:17:40,985 Nope. 452 00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,153 But you got, like, hooks and anchors and cables? 453 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,454 We got some of those things, 454 00:17:43,489 --> 00:17:47,057 but I do not recommend manufacturing your own zip line. 455 00:17:47,092 --> 00:17:49,160 Oh, I'm not doing that. No. 456 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,560 Let's say somebody was manufacturing 457 00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,096 - their own zip line. - Mm-hmm. 458 00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:53,297 You think if they had busted some windows open 459 00:17:53,331 --> 00:17:54,531 on a building somehow, 460 00:17:54,565 --> 00:17:57,034 Then fired the zip line off a bow and arrow, 461 00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:58,969 and it attached to the wall of said building, 462 00:17:59,004 --> 00:18:01,238 that they could just ride the zip line into the building? 463 00:18:01,273 --> 00:18:03,007 I have no idea. 464 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,242 Sir, whatever you are planning on doing, 465 00:18:05,277 --> 00:18:06,743 please don't do it. 466 00:18:06,778 --> 00:18:08,178 I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not doing anything. 467 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,546 I'm just doing some Christmas shopping, 468 00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:10,681 trying to get it out of the way. 469 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,015 You know, bow and arrows for my nephew. 470 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,651 The zip line's for my... grandmother. 471 00:18:14,686 --> 00:18:16,353 Et cetera and whatnot. You know what I'm saying there? 472 00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:17,821 It's nothing. No big deal. 473 00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:19,289 Speaking of other things, do you guys have 474 00:18:19,324 --> 00:18:23,526 just the, uh, top half of a knight in armor? 475 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,895 First of all, it's called a suit of armor. 476 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,496 Oh, yup, that's it. That's right. 477 00:18:27,531 --> 00:18:29,299 - That's what I meant to say. - We have one but it's sold... 478 00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,900 - Oh! - As a complete set. 479 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,068 - Yup. Yup. - Yup. 480 00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,303 Yeah, but the person it's for, 481 00:18:33,337 --> 00:18:34,403 they only need the-- they don't need the-- 482 00:18:34,438 --> 00:18:35,604 they just need the top half. 483 00:18:35,639 --> 00:18:36,873 - they don't need the legs. - Mm-hmm. 484 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,507 Well, what if somebody was shooting at you and-- 485 00:18:38,542 --> 00:18:40,142 what are the chances you think they'd try to shoot your legs? 486 00:18:40,176 --> 00:18:42,277 I feel like I have to tell you 487 00:18:42,312 --> 00:18:45,481 that a suit of armor will not deflect bullets. 488 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:49,151 I'll take my chances-- with Christmas. 489 00:18:49,185 --> 00:18:51,554 Which brings me, uh, to my next question. 490 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,723 Do you guys have roller skates? 491 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:56,158 - I think we have a pair around. - Uh-huh. 492 00:18:56,192 --> 00:18:57,625 Let me ask you a question. 493 00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:58,927 How fast do you think you'd have to be going on roller skates 494 00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:00,428 to get past a couple of armed guards 495 00:19:00,463 --> 00:19:02,831 and still be going fast enough to smash through a safe door? 496 00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:05,000 - One of those big bank safes? - No! 497 00:19:05,034 --> 00:19:06,668 I don-- I don't know. Yeah. 498 00:19:06,702 --> 00:19:09,504 Yeah? Uh... 499 00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,240 Hey, you guys got one of those, you know, just one 500 00:19:11,274 --> 00:19:13,675 of those big bags with a dollar sign on the side of it? 501 00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:14,843 Okay. 502 00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:16,878 Yeah? 503 00:19:16,912 --> 00:19:19,180 You're gonna shoot arrows with shotgun shells attached to 'em 504 00:19:19,214 --> 00:19:21,048 to a bank window to blow out the glass. 505 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:23,385 then you're gonna shoot a zip line through that window 506 00:19:23,419 --> 00:19:25,487 and you're gonna slide on into the hallway. 507 00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:27,255 You're gonna be wearing roller skates 508 00:19:27,289 --> 00:19:29,357 so you can just skate on past the armed guards, 509 00:19:29,391 --> 00:19:31,625 who will be shooting at you, and you're gonna hope 510 00:19:31,659 --> 00:19:33,094 that they both won't hit your legs, 511 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,196 and, if they are aiming at your torso, 512 00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:37,431 the suit of medieval armor will deflect the bullets. 513 00:19:37,465 --> 00:19:39,700 then you're gonna hope to gather enough speed 514 00:19:39,734 --> 00:19:41,402 to burst through the big bank vault 515 00:19:41,436 --> 00:19:42,703 at the end of the hallway 516 00:19:42,737 --> 00:19:44,038 where you're gonna collect the money 517 00:19:44,072 --> 00:19:48,709 in a cartoon money bag. 518 00:19:48,743 --> 00:19:50,310 Well, no. 519 00:19:50,344 --> 00:19:51,779 I'm just an uncle who's buying some [bleep] for Christmas 520 00:19:51,813 --> 00:19:53,380 And I, uh, think I'll take my business elsewhere. 521 00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:54,815 Merry Christmas. 522 00:19:54,849 --> 00:19:56,517 It's April. 523 00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:06,903 Welcome to Metta World News. 524 00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:10,815 Our top story, a professional athlete should never post online 525 00:20:10,849 --> 00:20:13,251 looking for people to live-action role play 526 00:20:13,285 --> 00:20:14,585 Hunger Games with them. 527 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:19,423 I'm sorry, Jerod, Cailey, and Zach. 528 00:20:19,457 --> 00:20:21,592 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 529 00:20:21,627 --> 00:20:23,928 For this Wednesday, August Microwave Wood Chipper. 530 00:20:23,962 --> 00:20:25,897 I'm Metta World Peace. 531 00:20:25,931 --> 00:20:27,665 Good night. 532 00:20:29,134 --> 00:20:30,668 Look at this one here. Huh? 533 00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:34,405 - Look at this one here, huh? - Beautiful lady. 534 00:20:34,439 --> 00:20:36,573 What I wouldn't do to her. 535 00:20:36,607 --> 00:20:38,842 You can see full chin cleavage on this one, huh? 536 00:20:38,876 --> 00:20:40,310 Yeah, yeah. 537 00:20:40,345 --> 00:20:41,545 Good night, everybody. 538 00:20:41,579 --> 00:20:43,080 - Have a good one. - Good night. 539 00:20:57,828 --> 00:21:00,797 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 540 00:21:00,831 --> 00:21:02,832 Oh, yeah.